When I finished the first draft of Life After Pentecostalism, Finding God After Leaving a Cult, I felt an energetic weight lift from my chest. Feeling that burden float away surprised me. I felt so much lighter, my focus intensified, and fears that had been lingering in the recesses of my brain became a whole heck of a lot quieter. The cleansing I felt was mildly shocking because I wasn’t aware I was still carrying the past’s burden.

In his profoundly charismatic way, he shouted, “If the truth is a cult, then I’m proud to be in a cult!” the howling and shrieking intensified as the musicians began to take their place on the alter, his voice growing, beckoning us to gather below him. It was in that moment I realized I was drinking the Kool-Aid. But I was too scared of what would happen to me if I decided to put down the glass.

Three years later, I’m me again. Connected to God and my highest self. I finally understand the words, “God is within you.”

I wasn’t expecting to share this part of my story today. It’s not often that I think or talk about this part of my life anymore as I’ve done a lot of work to move past it. But, there are moments when that old conditioning is activated, and I get triggered. In fact, by typing this out and putting myself in that headspace, I could feel the familiar pulls of trauma, and I had to remind myself to use the tools I so often talk about. As I meditated on what it means to heal and grow in the present moment, the words poured out of me. Working to break free of living in my survival brain has been a process, and it’s one I'm committed to continuing.

In order to accurately tell the stories of others, I must give voice to my own.