Accountability Starts With Me
Writing about someone's worst choices, cruel actions, and the lasting effects they've had on the lives of others forced me to reflect on my past.
I've made mistakes, and I’ve hurt people.
While I never intentionally set out to cause anyone pain, it doesn't take away from the fact that the choices I made and actions I took caused hurt in the lives of others. And for that, I take accountability without justification, without excuses, only offering my sincerest apologies.
With all the support and words of encouragement I've received in response to my writing, I couldn't ignore this feeling that I was missing something. That there was a small void in my words, a fear that my desire to be vulnerable and authentic is somehow reading more like an attempt to be perfect or to paint myself as a Saint.
Because, friends, I'm so not perfect. And I'm definitely not a Saint.
But what I am, is trying to be a better human. I'm trying to wake up every day and choose the light; to lift others up, to be open about my struggles and share the tools that help me grow along the way.
I was going down a different path when the COVID-19 pandemic brought life to a grinding halt. While I’m not claiming all of my wrongdoings in life were relegated to the year I sowed my wild oats, some of my biggest mistakes took place over those 365 days.
In some cases, I wasn’t acting from a place of love or joy; I was operating out of fear, pain and negativity. And it's that part of my carefree year that I regret.
I'm reaching out and making amends with the people I need to, specifically a family member who I caused deep harm to by not taking his trauma as seriously as I needed to. And for those people, I'm leaving the door open, in hope that they one day walk back into my life.
And there are some that I inadvertently hurt, that I can't open that door of communication. For in doing so, would cause more harm than good in my life and theirs. There's a saying that everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I've accepted that there are some doors that are better left closed. But they still deserve an apology, and as generic as this may sound, I hope they know I take responsibility for the actions I took.
My Kindergarten teacher once said, "Phoebe needs to stop tattling on herself." In middle school, a friend told me I was annoying because I said, "I'm sorry" too much. I've been called a people pleaser more times than I can count, and could read you a laundry list of the times my desire not to make someone feel any negative emotion meant putting someone else's needs above my own.
But just because I can't stand feeling guilty, never want to hurt anyone's feelings and that I try to be a good friend and human, doesn't mean that I've never caused pain in my 27 years on this earth. I haven't consistently been the person I strive to be.
And that's the beautiful thing about this life. Each day we're given an opportunity to be better. Not to be better than someone else, but to be better than we were ten years or two years ago; six months; three weeks or two days ago. To make better choices for our wellbeing, for our futures, for our hearts and souls. To leave this world a better place than we found it.
That's what I'm striving for, although, I have no illusions that I won't make mistakes again. I will, but they won't be the same mistakes.
The follow-up to accountability is ensuring you won't do it again. I'm thankful to have learned important, life-changing lessons before I continued to paint over this heart of mine that I'm relearning to operate from.
While I don't expect this post to heal the wounds I inadvertently caused, I hope it conveys my dedication to an authentic, vulnerable, strong and love-filled life.
