In his profoundly charismatic way, he shouted, “If the truth is a cult, then I’m proud to be in a cult!” the howling and shrieking intensified as the musicians began to take their place on the alter, his voice growing, beckoning us to gather below him. It was in that moment I realized I was drinking the Kool-Aid. But I was too scared of what would happen to me if I decided to put down the glass.

Three years later, I’m me again. Connected to God and my highest self. I finally understand the words, “God is within you.”

I wasn’t expecting to share this part of my story today. It’s not often that I think or talk about this part of my life anymore as I’ve done a lot of work to move past it. But, there are moments when that old conditioning is activated, and I get triggered. In fact, by typing this out and putting myself in that headspace, I could feel the familiar pulls of trauma, and I had to remind myself to use the tools I so often talk about. As I meditated on what it means to heal and grow in the present moment, the words poured out of me. Working to break free of living in my survival brain has been a process, and it’s one I'm committed to continuing.

Through my years of therapy and the copious amounts of self-help books and videos I’ve consumed, the piece of advice that I am constantly coming back to is to stay in the present. Whenever I feel the familiar knot of anxiety in my solar plexus or recognize a stream of negative thoughts, I know that I’ve drifted from the present moment, and it’s time to re-center and reassess my emotions.